volume 146 - out getting ribs

a special guest feature from a familiar face

what are guest features? they’re friends, family, and subscribers i give the keys to so they can share what they’ve been listening to lately. it’s my absolute favorite way to get to know someone 😌❤️‍🔥

happy tuesday y’all :)

today we have a guest feature from the homie Josh Yos (founder of Village Resting and 1/2 of Tiny’s). you may remember him from the recent volume 21 reissue

it just so happens to be his actual birthday today as well so give him a shout on Instagram!

he peers deep into his soul to share with us his journey with his past, present, and future. i’m grateful he was willing to go this vulnerable for his third ever guest feature 🙏

- claudio / claud / @offballscreen

memes of the week 🤠

here are some handpicked memes Josh carefully curated to accompany his post today

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I have terrible shoulders.

They hold so much tension. At times it feels like they can hardly hold my neck up straight.

It might be because I played baseball for so many years. Stretching out for catches. Diving on the ground. Running into walls. Landing on the warning track.

I was sure I had an undiagnosed shoulder injury. I booked an appointment with my primary care provider to learn more about my pain, and on a deeper level, my anxiety.

He just gave me the whole, “Lose some weight, eat better, sleep more,” talk. He set me up for an appointment with a physical therapist 5 months out. I couldn’t stand to hear another word.

I decided to give the chiro a try. I told him about my history, my shoulder pain, how every part of me is tense. We ran through some tests and exercises. One of the glaring concerns was that my ribs weren’t moving.

My ribs aren’t what? I didn’t know they were supposed to move.

Is that why I can’t suck my own dick? (It isn't.)

But I mean damn. What a revelation. It all made sense though. My ribs anchored down my lats. The bones and cartilage poke muscles they shouldn’t come in contact with. My whole left side from my hip to the top of my skull is inflamed and sore from all the forbidden friction.

It feels like someone stuck a big ass key into my side and all my bones and organs are all twisted up because of it.

My ribs are compressed inward. It could explain why sometimes I’ll go minutes without breathing. Could explain why I’m so anxious all the goddamn time.

Could be.

It was tough news to process but I was able to come away with something: I was able to name my pain.

I was stuck in it. Stuck to heartbreak. Stuck to old emotions. Stuck to old stories of myself. Stuck with all these things I haven’t learned to let go of yet.

I do this thing where I make myself believe I’m standing still when I’m actually playing dead. It hurts too much to give my authentic self to the world when I’m down. I lose myself when I feel like I’m losing everything.

I get a sinking feeling, like I'm in quicksand. It makes me want to lock myself away. I show up as a shell of myself when I go out. I can’t stand getting hurt.. I don’t have the courage to ask life for what I want. I coast in my misery and wait for life to happen to me.

I can’t do that again. It’s not fair to myself and others.

I had to change my perception. I can’t see myself in quicksand. I had to see myself as a tree. I can lose all my leaves in one season and get everything back in another. I am beautiful on my own. Strong. Planted in soil, not in sand. Beautiful whether blossoming or bare.

In The Gay Science by Nietzsche, he brings up “eternal recurrence,” which is the idea that life will recur, again and again. At the universe’s end, the whole thing will restart and will do so for eternity. Nietzsche challenges you to experiment with the thought of living your life over and over, a million times. Would you do it all over again? Would you love your fate?

For me, the answer is always yes. Despite the heartbreak, the pain, the defeat, I loved great people, had amazing highs, and wonderful victories. I wouldn’t give it up. I still have so much life to live. I wouldn’t give it at this point.

The overarching point of The Gay Science is how essential creativity is to the human experience, to the human spirit. If I’m gonna survive this world, I’ll need my spirit back. I’ve shown up too many times without it. 

I’m also now forming a new perspective on my move back home. It hurt me a lot to end up back here. The pain opens my eyes to the opportunities I have now.  

Yes, I have experienced loss but here’s my chance to get it all back in a whole new way. 

I’m closer to my brother and my cousins now than I’ve ever been in the last 5 years. Our relationship fractured after the death of my uncle, who was very near and dear to us. We now meet at the gym at 5am every other morning. We have movie nights at my grandma's house. We take time to remember our uncle together.

The first job since moving back home is at the high school I attended freshman year. I’m an assistant to the assistant principals (Dwight Shrute ass role). I am now in my third year, the longest I’ve stayed anywhere.

My role requires me to see some difficult things and deal with difficult situations with our students and community members. Despite all that, the students and my colleagues show me love, day in and day out. I give them my whole heart. I love being Mr. Josh.

I’m making a move out of the AP’s office into the library which falls in line with my career goals as I just started my Masters in Library and Information Sciences at San Jose State.

Last month I was able to give my new pop-up, Tiny’s, it's itty bitty wings. Our first official opening was honestly the coolest event I’ve thrown. I’m so happy I can stand behind a grill and flip burgers for hours. It’s right where I want to be. I get to see my partner, Sammy, throw down too. Warms my heart, really. 

Instead of feeling stuck, I’m starting to fall in love with where I’m at.

I’ll blossom soon enough.

- Josh

this week’s music ⤵️

1. You Can’t Say Kingston Doesn’t Love You
   Title Fight
   Released: 2011

I'm thinking out loud
"What's keeping me around?
What's keeping me chained down
To shapes and sounds
Your parents' car, and your town?"

It’s easy to interpret this song as resenting your hometown. I think a lot of people feel that way about where they grew up. For me, regardless of my feelings, I’m glad my hometown is here for me.

I’ve definitely had my ups and down with SLZ. I was blessed to move here and meet all the amazing friends I’ve made. It didn’t seem like that much of a blessing when I moved back.

Most of my friends have moved on, many living in different states. My best friend, Yaya, is here though. We get to be close again. We have a new ritual of random trips to Happy Lemon and then a car sesh where I spend at least 30 minutes presenting what weird pocket of music I'm obsessed with at the moment.

The girl version of me, Boo, is back in the Bay Area. I felt like a part of me left when she went to SoCal for school. My heart is restored. We’re back to being silly little guys, especially now that she lives at a place with a rooftop jacuzzi.

I’m back to living 10 minutes away from my cousins and grandparents. We’re a unit now and we constantly make plans with each other. They’re teaching me how to wrestle.

I’m back working at the high school I once attended, stronger now than when I was the kid that was bullied every day. I get to provide our students with peace, patience, and kindness. Everything I wish I had when I was here. I’m glad I can make it better. For them and for me. 

I guess this whole time SLZ has always loved me. It was just giving me time to love it back.

2. Rock Bottom (Live)
   King Krule
   Released: 2021

'Cause it's the end of something I did not want to end
Beginning of hard times to come
Something that was not meant to be is done
I guess it's the start of what was

I already been through hell and I’m damn sure I can do it again..

It sucks to let go of something you wanted so bad. I know there’s more for me. I’ll stick around for it.

Sidenote: I took Claud to see King Krule for one of his birthdays. He wasn't even a fan. I just brought him along to watch me cry. I’m seeing King Krule for the 4th time, tied with Solange for the most times I’ve seen any artist live. I’ll be growling and crying like every other time.

3. Bluff
   Kelela
   Released: 2017

I'm calling your bluff
There's no way that you really leavin'
One word, and you on the defense
I'm calling because
You're already taken a beating
And all that you need is
Just a bit of this love

I’ve been at the point where I’ve been so desperate to save things, I just jump out the window thinking that would work. It hurts to feel someone breaking away before they’ve even gone. I start to panic. I grasp for the wheel, hoping it would steady the ship.

I tend to conflate stability for control.

Those moves of desperation just make things worse for me. I say and do things impulsively. Things I wouldn’t normally say or do. The control I yearned for starts spinning away. I need to learn how to fail gracefully. I need to let things fall apart where they are. I need to understand I’ve had chances to make things right.

I can’t just fix things at the end. There’s no such thing as the perfect moment. I’m glad I’m not alone when it comes to showing all my cards even when my hand sucks. I can’t tell you how many times I revisit those moments in my mind. I can’t tell you how many times this song has made me cry.

4. Caramel
   Connan Mockasin
   Released: 2013

She’s never gonna find me…

When you’re stuck in quicksand, in that paralyzing, constricting panic, you need a song that calms your nerves. You need something to hum in the midst of pain.

This is my decompression song. It helps me breathe and eventually fall asleep. It’s not certain but I think he says, “She’s never gonna find me.”

I’m not the person I used to be. I’m stronger now. You won’t find me where you used to.